Business Talk
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: This is a longer version of the talk between Levi and Eren in "The Business Meeting". Be prepared for Levi getting increasingly drunk and some spoilers. Keep in mind I wasn't exactly sober myself whilst writing this...


Business Talk

_A/N: This is a longer version of the talk between Levi and Eren in "The Business Meeting". Be prepared for Levi getting increasingly drunk and some spoilers. Keep in mind I wasn't exactly sober myself whilst writing this..._

"Question One; how are you finding the Recon Corps?"

"The Recon Corps are the best people ever! They go out and kill titans all the time, and everyone is really cool and nice to me and..." Eren rambled on for another five minutes about how great everything was now while Levi ordered several more drinks for himself. The more he drank, the more bearable this seemed to become, and so he drank them as quickly as possible. Eventually the speech stopped, and Levi wrote down "He is enjoying it, 10/10 for fun".

"I don't give a shit about your life story, just get to the point. Ok question two, how tall are you now?"

"5 Foot 7 Inches." Eren beamed, "And also 15m exactly as a titan."

"Don't mix metric and imperial units." Levi said before writing it down.

"_He didn't insult me!_" thought Eren, "_I think he must be finally starting to warm up to me. Good going Jaeger!_"

Levi looked up to see Eren smiling.

"You're a fucking disgrace to humanity." he added for good measure. "_That'll teach the little prick_"

Looking at the papers, Levi realised that this was going to take a very long time. Perhaps this was god punishing him for not paying any attention to the titan-shifter. Downing his drink for the fifth time today, Levi ordered another and prepared for his personal hell; a one to one conversation with Eren Jaeger.

"Whatever you put in my drink, double the alcohol and half the rest of it." he spoke to the waiter, who shot him a puzzled look. Shrugging, he went back to the bar and informed the barman of the changes to the order.

"Question three; what did you score in your horse riding proficiency test?"

Eren looked thoughtful for a split second, then regurgitated "45/70". It was not like he had been practising these answers before in his head weeks before in the hope that this day would one day come, and the Corporal would take interest in him as something other than a freak.

"That's barely a pass Jaeger. I'm greatly surprised. Are you sure it wasn't a negative score?" Eren laughed, but then shook his head after he realised Levi was serious. Without even breaking his glare, Levi wrote out the answer.

"Four; who has been your favourite squad member to work with?"

"Easily you sir!" Eren smiled, then immediately clamped his hands over his mouth and went a deathly white after realising his mistake. He began to say the Lord's Prayer and closed his eyes, expecting a knife to go through his eye socket within the next 3 seconds.

It wasn't that Levi didn't want to kill the runt, but as he reached down to his favourite knife he saw Hanji out of the corner of his eye taking a seat with psycho-bitch. "_If I kill him I'll never hear the end of it from her._" he groaned internally, and instead just wrote down the answer, ableit through gritted teeth. Luckily his drink arrived at that moment, and so the Corporal took the opportunity to further intoxicate himself. Licking his lips, he put the glass down and nodded, signalling for another just like it to be brought over for his consumption.

It was at that moment that Eren realised that by some miracle, he had escaped Levi's wrath. Slowly removing his hands from his face and tentatively opening his eyes, Eren thanked whatever god there was in heaven that had spared his life. This feeling of elation quickly vanished as he saw Levi looking down at the drink he has bought for Eren. Not wanting to be impolite, he sipped the glass and almost vomited it straight back up. "_What the hell is in here! Its like drinking bleach mixed with ethanol. Christ and not even close to being as strong as Corporal Levi's drink. Man that guy is amazing..._" As Eren went doe-eyed thinking once again about his fearless leader, Levi looked down and analysed the next set of questions.

"Question five; why are you still aliv...I mean, have you gained any further control over your titan form?"

"I have. I can now think freely while using it and I can understand people talking to me, although I can't speak yet."

"_Pity,_" Levi thought, "_I think you're the only person I know who I'd prefer to be a titan. Or more likely eaten by one. While I watched. Yeah that'd be good..._"

While Levi once again went to his happy place, Eren sat there in silence and scanned the room. He noticed that various squad members were there, as well has his friends. Mikasa and Hanji seemed to be arguing over something, Bertholdt and Reiner looked like they were about to ruin the PG feel of the restaurant and Marco and Jean were eating some sort of meat while sneakily looking at each other. Eren smiled. He always knew the last two were meant for each other.

"_I wonder if they split the bill down the middle..._"

"Question 6," Levi said, returning from his happy place after realising that the kid wasn't going to die anytime soon, "what is your favourite colour?"

"Red. Titan Blood Red to be exact."

Eren was unsure whether or not he was dreaming, but he saw a ghost of a smile on Levi's face.

"And your titan's blood is the same colour?"

"Erm...yes..." Eren shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Levi's ghost smile turned into a very real one. "Then its my favourite colour too. Would you care to show me some?" Once again, Levi reached down to his blade, albeit in a far more clumsy manner than before.

Eren once again began praying to the gods that Levi wouldn't kill him. Looking for any sort of saving grace, Eren noticed Mikasa performing a similar action on the table near the door.

"Erm...look Levi! Mikasa and Hanji! Maybe we should go over and..."

He was cut off by Levi clamping a hand over his mouth.

"Do not make eye contact. If you do, Hanji will talk to us and if that happens, I swear to god I'll gut you like a fucking fish, Last time this happened she kept talking for 3 hours straight. I can't survive another encounter like that. Am I clear?"

Eren nodded, then almost gasped when Levi returned to his seat.

"Good job."

With those two words, Eren's mind melted. Tears welled in his eyes and a ridiculously goofy smile stretched across his face. "No problem Levi." he beamed, finally feeling the acceptance of his superior. Needless to say, he was oblivious to the fact that Levi had more ethanol in his blood by this point than water.

"Next question; draw your favourite animal and then write 'To Pixus and family; RAAAAARW! From Eren'...this isn't even a question. What the fuck is this?! WAITER!"

Levi screamed at the man, who came running over faster than a cheetah. Corporal Levi was most definitely top on his list of guys not to piss off.

"How can I help you?"

"Whatever this shit is, it's not strong enough. Concentrate it."

The waiter gave him a blank look. "But sir, you're drinking pure ethanol..."

Levi looked at the man with fire in his eyes, causing at least two other people in the direction of his gaze to collapse in fear. "Fuck science; I'm not a fucking physicist. Just do it!"

"Levi, physicists don't do this sort of thing..." Eren tentatively spoke, but was cut off when the gaze was turned to him.

"Shut the fuck up Jaeger and draw some shitty giraffe or something. now let's see; these questions can't be all like this..."

As Levi flicked through the ream of questions, the waiter took the opportunity to take his glass back to the bar.

"...this is a joke." Levi finally said after scanning the last page. "This is fucking insane. Literally whoever thought this up has shit for brains. Why the fuck would they even ask these questions?! Hey, worthless entity!" Eren looked up, "Just fill the rest of this shit in by yourself. I'm officially on break for the rest of my life. I'm done here. So fucking done here..."

Eren took the paper while his commanding officer ranted at how over this day he was. Flicking through the questions himself, he could see what had pushed him overboard. They were pointless to say the least. Quietly he filled them out, waiting for Levi to calm down.

"...and when they break through the walls, which they will because everyone is too busy entertaining this cluster fluck of a system to care, they'll be screaming "Ohhh Levi, Levi! Save our poor defenceless asses!" and I'll be like "No! You can all take a running jump off a bridge into a pile of my paperwork while I laugh my ass off at your pathetic faces being eaten!". I! AM! DONE!" Levi finally finished after 20 minutes and 4 glasses of whatever the hell he was drinking by now. Motioning for the waiter to fill him up again, he said "Make it stronger you smexy babe."

"Sir, that's physically impossible..."

"THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT PHYSICS YOU WANK SPLODGE?!"

"Ye...yes sir! I mean Levi! Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck..." The waiter mumbled while running away from the increasingly enraged recon corp. If Levi's legs still functioned, that man would have been deader than Marco in Episode 12. (_A/N sorry but taking the piss out of Marco amuses me greatly. I love the guy but he's such an easy target. Or should I say he's two easy targets..._)

"JAEGER!" Levi wheeled round, his eyes wide open (so normal sized) and his breath smelling of liquid death. "Have you flinished the questionas?"

Eren looked up trembling. "I...I'm only half way through si...Levi!"

Levi roared. Not screamed, he literally roared like a dragon. "FUCKING GIVES THAT HERES!"

He took the pieces of paper and started violently scribbling them. "YEEEEEAH! HERE'S YOUR GIRAFFE YOU FUCKING CUNTS! FAVOURITE FOOD MY ARSE!"

Eren started blushing as he felt people staring at them. They instantly looked away as Levi's head shot up, murderous intent in his eyes.

"JAEGERRR! How tall are you?"

Eren looked back at Levi as calmly as he could. Internally though he was screaming to get away from this ticking time bomb. "I've already told you. It was one of the questions..."

"SLUT UP! You're like a taller, bitchier version of moi. Except you don't glet laid! EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

After that horrifically bad joke, Levi pulled out his sunglasses and put them on. Why does he have sunglasses you ask? Fuck you that's why.

"Erm..." Eren floundered, then considered drinking his drink to make things more bearable. He took a sip of it then immediately changed his mind.

Levi on the other hand was drinking so rapidly that most of it was going down his face. A tiny drop splashed against the wall of the restaurant, immediately causing the paint to be stripped.

"Jaeger..." Levi said with surprising clarity, "Have you ever gotten laid before?"

Eren almost laughed, but hid it with a cough after seeing the seriousness in Levi's face. "No...not yet. I haven't rea..."

Levi burst out laughing. "Ahahahahaha! Blut what abouts psycho blitch? Milasa?"

Eren went bright red. "She's more of a friend than tha..."

Ignoring the scream in the background, Levi continued, "But she wants you D. Jaegerbomb, the D she wants. Flrom youuu." He pointed at Eren. "Why not gives teh lady whats she wants?!"

Flailing around, Levi searched for Mikasa. Eren shrunk into his seat in embarassment. "There! She's ober there with Panji!"

Whipping back round, Levi grabbed Eren in a very peculiar place. "Theeeeeese jaegerbomb! Theeeese are what she wantsssss. Go and fluck her!"

Eren could have died right there. "I think you've had too much to drink..."

"SHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shh! Go and maek titan babies."

Realising Levi didn't have the control in his body to remove his hand from his crotch, Eren gently lifted Levi's hand up and places it by his side.

"WHAZ WAZ THAT?!" Levi sprang up in his seat. "FLUCKIN NINJA PIXIES! YOU WILL NOT TAEK MAI SOUUUUUUUUULLLLLLL!"

Flinging his arms around like a mad man, Levi screamed (not roared) and tried to bat away Commander Pixis, who at that time was 30km away drinking coffee with his family. Eren put his head in his hands and went to his happy place; a field full of titans to be killed.

"JAEGERBOMB!" Levi shouted after finally calming down, "I wants a kitty kat *hic*!"

Eren nodded and practically ran over the bar. He was going to take any opportunity he could to escape from that train wreck.

"Can I have a Kit Kat for my friend there?" Eren smiled inwardly at the thought of being Levi's friend.

"You're not his friend kid, he fucking hates you." the barman replied. He had been given strict instructions prior to this by an anonymous person (*cough* Levi *cough*) to put down the titan-shifter if he ever came in. The barman wasn't a bad person, but he could hardly say no to extra food rations. Plus Corporal Rivalle wasn't someone you said no to if you valued your life.

Eren's face fell, and the barman took pity on the kid. Leaning close to his ear, he wispered "Pssst, have it free. Just don't tell the boss" he nodded at Levi, who was playing with his knife.

"Thanks." Eren smiled and took the chocolate to the table. "Here you go." Levi snatched it out of his hand and burst into hysterics.

"Ahahahahahaha! Was *hic*. Was *hic*. WAS *hic* this how th *hic* the titan ates your *hic* ates you ahahahahahaa *hic* ates your mother?! Hahahaha *hic* ahahahahaha!"

He opened the chocolate and bit it in half. Eren felt sick but Levi kept laughing. Noticing Jean and Marco looking at him, he then snapped the bar in two and winked at Marco.

"Flcuking leyts dooos this agains!" Levi smiled. "Ohhhhh waits *hic*! Teh lasts questiooooons..."

Scrambling through the paper, he pulled out the last sheet.

"Jaegerbomb, my bro," he said, magically appearing beside Eren and putting his arm around him, "Y teh fluck doi yoi loooook jus lik meh? How u get ur eyes opens soooo wide?"

Taking the initiative, Eren decided to stand up and take the titan-slayer home. Putting Levi's arm around his shoulder, he tried to lift the small man up. However, being built of 100% pure awesome and muscle, Levi was incredibly heavy, and so Eren was resigned to dragging to the door in a rather undignified manor while Levi screamed "NOOOOOOO MAI UNIFURM! TEH DIRT WIL KILL MEH!"

Passing the table with Mikasa and Hanji on it, he waved as the girls silently glared at one and other before smiling sweetly towards the pair. As he reached the door, Eren spotted Armin curled up in a ball and beckoned him over to help lift Levi. The two of them were just able to accomplish the task, and after the 10 minute walk to their temporary squad base they were exhausted. Struggling to Levi's room, then dumped the Corporal on his bed and sat his papers down on the desk beside him. They then bolted for the door to try and escape Levi's wrath, which was very easy considering the man had no muscle function any more. Closing the door behind them, the two childhood friends looked at each other and swore never to speak to one and other about this ever again.


End file.
